If you’ve read my newsletters or emails in the past year, you realize I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I attempting to convey for you that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my entire life is just a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this signature I intend to remind you and myself to choose the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. But not exactly what feels this way also feels effortless.
In reality, over the entire year since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to guide women entrepreneurs to develop their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Even though I’ve known I’ve been living the trail that’s right for me personally – doing the professional work I’m meant to be doing plus taking care of my children, my home and myself – often times I’ve allowed the volume to have blaringly high spotify a course in miracles. I’ve been doing the right things but so many of them at once! Why? Because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that if I slow down, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will slow down further. Or more. Or worse.
So as much as I’ve been practicing residing in reference to Spirit, I’ve been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not prepared to see a better way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or family members – I clung to these beliefs.
But about per month ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they don’t make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy. I chose not to go to a club mitzvah or perhaps a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to keep focused. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to request help. (And gratefully received it!) I did so my level best to get ready, to produce sound and rational choices. Obviously, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong. They certainly were not working out with ease. I felt out of the flow. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, less than fourteen days ahead of the trial was scheduled to begin, I heard it was apt to be postponed for at the least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, this is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To come back calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this was all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Turns out I also had strep throat. And then a sinus infection. All I possibly could do, for a lot of, many days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took a break from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone allowed to stop. Someone for whom it’s safe to stop. Someone who will stop constantly moving, tend only to her needs, and survive it. Just for a while.
The kids understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to bring me food and perform a few loads of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The actual miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense exactly what originates from love is just a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to stop taking care of everything else and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. A lot of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. A couple of lovely days on Cape Cod in quite a inn all by myself.
My fear that if I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I found energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to clear out everything the kids had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The days were a blur of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
Out of this whole experience I remembered I’m loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know have been thinking about me. After a lot more than fourteen days away from business I figured I must schedule regular, true downtime for myself – maybe even take 2 weeks away from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.